ADD is an explanation of all the
messed up things I do and did.
Forgetting things:
- Promises
- Appointments
- Birthdays
- Bills
- Obligations
- All the unfinished projects
Impulsiveness
- Saying
- Doing
- Buying
- Eating
Distractedness
- Inability to follow conversations
- Inability to read some things
- ‘multi-tasking’
Organization
- Messes, piles
- Loosing things
- Being overwhelmed by the details.
- inability to organize and keep clean my house.
It is justification
I have had serious bouts of self hatred where I have prayed for God to take me because I am sub standard. I am lazy, a slacker, have no self-control. I can’t do the simple things other people can. No matter how hard I try.
I can’t keep a clean house, organize my things, be responsible etc.
I have felt out of control; barely holding on; afraid my life would come crashing down at any minute. Almost paranoid. Waiting fro the other shoe to drop because I am incompetent – an imposter who will be found out at any moment.
It is a boost in self-esteem.
In school – all those painful nights my dad tried to help me with math facts. Not being able to organize my ideas into a paper or project – waiting until the night before to start anything because it was too overwhelming. Trying to read Ben -Hur in one weekend and my parents having to read to me because I couldn’t read anymore. Being in remedial English in HS and college because I couldn’t organize a paper.All those report cards and teacher comments saying I didn’t work to my potential; I was bright but didn’t work hard enough; I didn’t take my school work seriously etc.
Teachers yelling at me because I got Bs and Cs in class and scored 95-98 on the state exams.
Now - when the boss calls me to his office – I am sure on of my little forgetful, unorganized, incompetent screw-ups has caught up to me and I will get in trouble- or worse – fired.
I’ve dropped one of those balls.
I’m constantly trying to think of those things I’ve forgotten because I’ll be in big trouble when someone finds out!
Even when I have a plan and write my lists out on paper – I forget something.
Example - As a soccer coach I was mortified every week because I was always missing something: schedules, important papers, my son’s equipment, water, etc.
I would plan; list; check – but I would always be missing something. I would chalk it up to being a working mom with 3 kids and having to keep track of it all – and being lazy and stupid.
It is freedom.
I AM NOT!
I am not lazy!
I am not stupid!
I am not an imposter!
I am not incompetent!
I now have a new focus. I no longer focus on the awful things I do but the good things I am and do.
I am intelligent.
I am creative.
I am intuitive.
I am caring.
I am different.
I am working on the competency thing ;>]
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